Hello everyone! Every week I try to think of a new and exciting way to introduce this post, but it’s the same concept every week. I literally love posting my Weekly Journals and I hope you love reading them. Intro done, it wasn’t that bad was it?
Wednesday: Hello! So I’ve been a little absent. The truth is, I’ve been pretty unhappy recently, I know that sounds so casual, but I don’t really know what to say. On Tuesday I had my first big panic attack since November and it was really nasty. It’s long winded story that’s in the past, but they found me trying to call my Mum in the school corridor crying and shaking and doing other weird stuff.
I’ve been feeling very depressed in the past week. I am diagnosed with depression but I have recovered. I’m feeling very emotional, which is strange, normally when I’m depressed, for the most part, I feel nothing. I either feel like crying at nothing or I feel I very subdued, I never really laugh anymore, well not properly and even though things make me happy, like your comments etc, it’s only small little sparks of the stuff. Although I guess that’s how we live our lives.
Should I change my blog to Sad Alex, with the tagline ‘you’re great but I’m not’.
Okay. I can still make jokes, which shows I’m not awful. It’s more waves, but those waves scare me. I’ve never had it like this. And in my friendship group we pick on each other in a loving, fond way, my friend will say “Alex you are really annoying me” and usually I would come back with some sassy comment but now my eyes like well up with tears, oh man that’s embarrassing.
My Dad is going to email my head of house to see if he can help me. He helped me in 2014-2015 hopefully he can help me out again. I have no idea what he can do, I would love if he could build a little room on the side of the school where I could go when I felt nervous or sad, I really need some privacy and peace in school.
I’m fine don’t worry. I’m still just Happy Alex, living a slightly less happy life. I have got through this before and I am sure this is a short spell. Keep smiling, good night.
Thursday: Fun and exciting updates:
- So today me and my friend were walking to photography and we accidently walked right into the centre of the ‘smoking area’ of our school. I mean we don’t actually have a smoking area, but people like to abuse the system behind DT, so it’s sort of the smoking area. Anyway, so I walked right into that and had to awkwardly walk past all these girls in my year having a fag and it was just so uncomfortable. BUT THEN in my attempt to run away I ran into the photography classroom. Nothing strange? Well, the door is like literally half the size of the normal door so you can’t physically fit yourself through the door straight on, you have to sidle in. In my panic and social awkwardness I didn’t do that AND GOT STUCK IN THE DOOR and all these smokers were just staring at me with pity. MY FRIEND HAD TO DISLODGE ME. DISLODGE. And then I escaped.
- I’ve been a bad blogger? I feel sad about NOODLE PANDA. I feel sad about my blog. I still feel down, I had a better day today. I wouldn’t say my depression has come back because I don’t feel sad constantly, sometimes I feel okay. But mostly sad.
- I might get my room decorated?! I am literally so excited. It is going to be the prettiest thing you’ve ever seen. But at the same time it really stresses me out because I feel my parents can’t afford it. I have this idea in my hand of a beautiful clean desk with a macbook and little copper pots with makeup brushes but I know it won’t be like that. Although I want to make it really special, I’m going to look in charity shops and see if they have anything cute.
That is all. I felt like I needed to bullet point to get my thoughts down. Sorry if it was boring! Anyway, take care everyone, lots of love.
ps. I FINALLY TOOK MY XMAS DECORATIONS DOWN! *yes*
Saturday: Happy weekend. Today was dedicated to work, and it shouldn’t have been but it was and that is how things go. I need to do my work and I did ½ of it, so that’s a thing. I had a little to do list for today, thinking it might motivate me so I think I’ll just pop this here and we can take a look what’s going on.
Shower – Okay this isn’t that I need to remind myself to wash, but it’s the first productive step of my day. I did succeed, although someone had pushed the shower head down so I was too tall to fit beneath it, I felt a little like Buddy the Elf when he uses the shower at the North Pole. And then I couldn’t find my towels, so I had to use random ones from in the airing cupboard.
Do makeup nicely – I achieved this too. I set this goal because I never end up doing my makeup at weekends because ‘I don’t have time’ and well if I live my whole life thinking I don’t have time for things, well what a bad life I’ll lead.
Blog – Yes? I did a blogpost about what’s on my mind and then also a poem at the end.
Noodle Panda – I didn’t get around to it.
Read- The Martian, which is a fantastic read, is still sitting on my desk waiting to be finished. I just feel too tired to concentrate, I feel bad about it. I’ll read you one day.
Homework – I did Drama, French, Physics and Photography. Another set of photography tomorrow, more Drama, Geography, Maths… Oh god. I don’t want to go school but then I do because missing lessons stresses me out.
A semi successful day. I spent the rest of my evening watching youtube, which is most definitely my preferred hobby right now. Anyway, even though there is this little well of sadness that makes my bones ache and my tummy turn I’m determined to feel good. Goddamit it’s my life and literally the possibilities are endless. I just need to break out of this rut and think outside the box. Life would be boring if we never felt sad, I’ll embrace it and try to find out more about myself. Goodnight friends 🙂
Sunday: And here I am, in the now, but still in the past for you. Today was almost a carbon copy of yesterday, work, work, eat pudding, work. I like being productive, but I really wish I had the time to do more fun things with my life. My scrapbook is sitting on my desk, containing a mere two days I deemed worth documenting.
I mean I haven’t been outside all weekend. Haven’t taken one breath of fresh air. That isn’t healthy.
Also conclusion on mental health, not depressed yet, just not happy. I need to go on a road trip or fall in love or something, like they do in the YA novels. I don’t know, start living kids.
Thank you so much for reading,