Are you ready for heavily inconsistent updates on my life? Curious about all the incredible milestones I’ve been making throughout the week? Only joking, you’re probably here for the bitching and the mental breakdowns. I’m cool with that too. Let’s hop back in time to Monday!
Monday: I think I forgot.
Tuesday: I’m a busy woman. Let’s try Wednesday?
(Okay this is when I actually made an effort)
Wednesday: So I may have neglected this slightly. Sorry, this week has been very heavy on the tests and homework, I just haven’t had time to write in here! But I’m here now anyway.
I’ve ranted about everything about one billion times again to myself, to my blog and various other people, so I’m sort of exhausted about talking about the same old crap. It’s good to get things out of your system. If you ever feel sad or frustrated talk about it, even if you’re just talking to yourself. FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF. Wallow in self pity. Play dramatic flashbacks in your head of times when people have been mean, because if you just keep ranting, you’ll sort of get bored and feel a little more content with what’s going on. If you are interested in what’s going on in my weird little brain then you can click here, this covers an element but there are other things that I don’t quite understand yet. Emotions throughout the day were sadness, frustration, helplessness but also a little pride and relief. I’m a mixed bag on an emotional roller coaster, but at least my roller coaster is moving and I might be going in the right direction.
Can I get an award for the worst metaphors?
Can I also get an award for being optimistic with my terrible metaphors?
In other fun news, chapters two and three of my novella/novel (genuinely unsure on the length) went through their third phase of editing today. I can still think of areas worth changing but those parts are currently up to the best I can do. When I actually start working on my book I actually get really proud of what I’ve created. However I’m avoiding uploading Noodle Panda to you guys because I know it’s bad and I know I can do better. Although I know some of you are really enjoying it and your feedback is really important.
Anyway I’ve got to blast and go to bed, because morning aren’t fun when you’ve had two hours sleep. Goodbye from historic Alex. Do I class as historic? I’m four days in the past. Historic makes me sound like I did something important. I’m not sure if I qualify. ANYWAY goodnight friends.
Thursday: Hello! Feeling quite nervous now. Not in an anxiety way, just in a general, normal person nervous way, because I’ve got my drama controlled assessment tomorrow. I’m quite proud of what we’ve created. As a group of four, we’ve written, directed and acted in a short play dedicated to the horrific racially motivated stabbing of Stephen Lawrence.
I’m not good in teams. I’m a bit of a control freak. My drama lessons sometimes make me feel uneasy and scared, as the quietest of the group I sometimes find it hard to put my ideas forward. Sometimes I feel like the boring, strict one when everyone’s messing around and I’m trying to rehearse. I don’t know, the whole thing seems very jumbled and disordered. However we have all worked hard to create this play and I just hope it goes well. Future me, did it go well?
I planned on uploading Noodle Panda today but didn’t have the chance. I feel so nervous every time I upload a chapter and I’m feeling quite stressed at the moment so I really didn’t need something else. Although hoping it will be up tomorrow!
My evening consisted of sleeping for like three hours when I got in, TESCO chocolate trifle (my favourite thing, please try it) and Physics equations (yay). Anyway, I’ll hand over to Friday Alex, who I am yet to meet, who is probably basking in the glory of a Friday night. Goodbye friends 🙂
Friday: Guys, you should see my cat, she’s so cute I’m do not condone to this, it makes me feel bad. She’s so warm! How could anyone be so warm. Also I’m too tired to write like a normal human being so let’s put my day into FUN BULLET POINT NOTES THAT ARE EASY TO READ.
- Okay. I got 13/50 on my maths test. I was devastated. Absolutely mortified. The past two maths test I both had panic attacks in (obviously I did really bad) and then this one I actually stayed in the exam (a literal first) but still did freaking terrible and I can’t even blame my anxiety. It was a hard test, it was ridiculously hard. I know how to do the maths but I can’t apply the method to the weird exam questions where they try to hide what they want you to do. I’m not a logical person, I can’t turn the paper upside down to find a pair of corresponding angles. I just don’t think like that. I can’t wait for the day when I never have to do maths again. When I got my result, it sounds pathetic, but I just cried in the girls toilets with Mona, who was really nice and helped so much. I wasn’t even that bad. I wasn’t even crying that much. I just felt like internally rotten about everything, I felt like the test result optimized everything ever. Bloody maths, ruining my life since 2005.
- In more fun news, I did my Drama controlled Assessment today. It went well. It wasn’t like amazing, as I wasn’t like blown away by my performance but it went well enough. Nothing went wrong. I just felt like I’d done the emotional speech etc. so many times that the emotion had sort of been sucked out of it. But it was a success and I’m really proud of my group. Also very excited to go and see Yizork (or Yizor or neither, no idea how to spell it) at the local theater with my drama class on Monday.
- I slept soon as I got home. I’m absolutely shattered. Physically and psychologically shattered. I then woke up to find I have 200 FOLLOWERS. What? It hasn’t sunk in. I think because of my like stupid brain I don’t feel excited or proud or happy. BUT I know that that’s a huge achievement. The number doesn’t mean much to me, what means the world is the friendships I’ve made and I guess the 200 is just proof of that. I see my blog growing and it just makes me so happy to know that someone has an interest in what I’m saying. I’m not really thinking of 200 as a collective, but I’m thinking about every individual person and that’s what means the most. Thank you so much!
Alright, night friends. I think I’m going to make myself a hot chocolate and ignore my homework, because I’m 100% not ready for that mental trauma.
Saturday: Lots of little things are buzzing around my head right now, minor anxiety spell, I think I’m going to lie down in a minute because I’m feeling pretty shaky but I can continue writing. Like I remember in the summer of 2014 when there was literally not a moment when I wasn’t anxious, like I was having a constant panic attack for months. Seriously have no idea how I actually survived, so these little spells aren’t that bad, so I’m just going to try and push through.
My biggest achievement today was probably getting an experimental piece for photography done. It took me like four hours. I spent the first three hours actually deciding what to do, experimenting and getting things ready for ideas that will never progress and one hour actually creating the image. It’s a complicated process but essentially I created a pop art stencil which I then made into a photograph in the dark room at school. And then I basically collaged using newspaper because I couldn’t think of anything else. Literally was on the verge of a mental breakdown for like ¾ of the time I was doing that project but I pulled through in the end.
I also edited Chapter 4 of my novella/novel. I’m not the most fluent in my writing today, so I did struggle to edit the chapter, but I think I’ve definitely improved it. Before I felt that that chapter was a little pointless and didn’t add anything to the story. Now I’ve utilized that more peaceful period in the book for more in depth character development etc. Still needs work as my descriptions weren’t as clean and sharp as they could have been, but I’m still proud of the fact I’m writing a bloody novel.
Now I’m watching Kailee McKenzie’s daily vlogs (I’m so obsessed). I really feel like I should be reading but as I’ve explained before, I’ve developed a very strange relationship with books right now. Almost a fear, that if I read I’ll disappoint myself by not maintaining it. I’m really not sure. Anyway, goodnight, it’s pretty late, I’m sorry if I bored you!
Sunday: Wow okay this entire post is like a collection of essays describing everything about my life. In other words, it’s really long and I’m so sorry about that. Today I’ve been feeling pretty nervous and gross about like tiny little things in my life that feel like the most important things. And I know what I need to ‘fix’ my anxiety. I need to pause my life right now and seriously just run away and doing something completely crazy and amazing. Although, that’s currently impossible, so chilling with my cat and writing blogposts is the next best thing.
Going to the theater tomorrow with my drama class to see Yizor, which is a small production play based on a collection of diary entries. I’m really excited! I hardly ever go to the theater.
Also thank you to everyone who has submitted questions for my Q&A. There is still time to give me some questions (I’ll try to answer all of them) so just click here.
What a nice way to end a Weekly Journal. Just some cheeky spon.
Thank you so much for reading,