The first week of February has been very hard, but I’ve documented (most) of my week once more to share with you guys. These journals are recordings of my highs and my lows and I they help me with my mental health so so so much. I hope you enjoy reading.
Wednesday: I am struggling to write about how I feel. There are too many thoughts to actually articulate and I’m too exhausted to write about them anyway. They’ve caused me enough sadness already.
I’ve felt true despair today and true fear. There are constant contradictions in my mind and I don’t know who to listen to. I feel better now. I feel much better than I have and I feel that there is hope. But in this mindset, I can’t justify how awful I have felt and neither can I justify the time I am having off school, even if the idea of going makes my stomach twist with fear.
I am so confused and I don’t know what is happening. I’m trying, right now as I write this, to be relaxed with my emotions. These difficulties make me the person I am, someone I am trying to like. I need to get some sleep. I’m not sure what I’m doing and I’m unsure whether it’s safe or dangerous.
Thursday: Hello. It’s pretty late and I should be settling into bed but I’ve been spending the last few hours of my evening checking up on your lovely blog posts because I haven’t been active lately. I’ve been finding things very difficult. My anxiety is coming out in lots of horrible ways and it’s also making me feel very uncomfortable within my own body.
I’ve been battling an inner conflict of this desire to diet and lose weight, versus this fear that my obsession will get out of hand again. As struggling with body image is something I am not a stranger to. In the past I have struggled with eating immensely, something, for a strange reason, I’m not fully comfortable talking about. I just feel like it’s not the time.
Over the past few days I’ve felt the need to constrict my diet once again. I’ve been at the point of crisis, walking around like a ghost with an empty stomach. I think I need to accept that I am still in recovery and body image is something I still struggle with. I am trying to stay afloat, but at the same time I want my eating disorder to take me away, but I know that is wrong, so I’m fighting.
I’ve decided to eat what makes me comfortable and happy. I’ve decided to eat the foods I like and make sure this terrible illness doesn’t ruin my life again. Be kind to myself and accept the shape of my body and the way I look. I’m very confused, but I’m trying so hard and I’m hoping everything will be okay and this is just a blip in my recovery. See you on Friday.
Friday: Oh my God, my computer is like roasting, you could cook on this thing I need to give it a break. Anyway, hiya future folks, I guess you’re here to hear about my day. I actually went back to school today (I had two days off because of mini crisis) and despite feeling ill school went okay. I’m doing Lady Windermere’s Fan by Oscar Wilde for Drama in my small group of four and I’m really excited. I’ve watched the first hour of the play to get a gist of the plot as I’ve been cast as Lady Windermere, but I also like the idea of directing the playing and selecting the parts of the script I would like to use. But I know I need to take everyone’s opinions on board, because it’s not my own independent project.
Friday night was spent watching Lady Windermere’s Fan and cooking myself some delicious noodles, which were a huge success (Yay I’m learning how to cook!) I have felt better about eating today and I’m hoping that I just suffered a minor relapse in my recovery, although I am still having more negative thoughts than normal, which have made me have this little crisis that sound whiny and pathetic, but sometimes there’s too much information in my head to deal with.
I’m going to start editing more of my novella now, because I haven’t been working on it recently. It’s currently 11:30 pm but I work best at night time. Debating whether to have coffee and biscuits, that’s making me nervous, I probably won’t. Goodnight friends 🙂
update: 3am coffee no biscuits, caffeine rush, manic novel writing.
Saturday: I’m in a really happy mood and that’s strange considering at the start of this week I was literally have a mental breakdown. Today has just been really nice. I went to bed at 4am last night but actually woke up at 9am this morning and I’m so happy about that. I’m kinda tempted to do that again but I’ve got a much busier day tomorrow and I don’t want to make myself unwell.
Today I just did the things I needed to do but because it’s Saturday everything so everything much more relaxed than before. I’ve eaten so well today and haven’t restricted at all. I feel okay about it and I actually felt really positive about how I looked today. I can’t believe I feel this way and it’s strange because my anorexia-like impulses were so so strong and I literally thought I was going to become really ill again, but I guess my mind isn’t giving up that easily and those few days of hellish trauma have put me off for a lifetime.
I’ve been photographing my outfits for the OOTM (outiit of the month) which I’ve decided to rename ‘February outfit diary’ just because I think it’s nicer. I’m actually taking the images with my tripod and my digital camera, so I’m very excited to compile it together at the end of the month considering I’m working so hard on it.
I’m thinking of doing an everyday makeup routine post???? I don’t know dudes I’m just really happy with how my makeup is looking right now and I would like to share. Not that I’m an expert at all, I’m just really passionate about the whole ‘there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of paint’ ethic and I believe that if makeup makes you feel more beautiful and confident you should be able to do whatever you want with it, likewise if you choose not to wear makeup. I just think there’s lots of discussion to be had. If you would like to see me do an everyday makeup routine, where I will be awkwardly taking pictures of my face and praying my eyeshadow turns out half decent then comment below!
Sunday: Today’s entry will come to my dear readers in a bullet point form because paragraphs are lame.
- How my mood has changed so much this week does not mean that what I went through didn’t happen. I’ve just forced myself to steer away from that part of my mind. I’m not saying recovery from anything is easy, but I have gone through a lot (I’m trying not to boast, how do you do this?) to get to the position where I can change my direction and I’m proud of that.
- I’m more than 200% ready for the half term.
- I will make it my freaking mission to write in this journal tomorrow.
- Today I made a mask for my photography project and it’s extremely freaky. It will haunt me in my sleep and tell me to do my homework.
- I’m not sure if I prefer hummus or guacamole.
Yeah I can go from talking about mental health to guacamole, what’s your party trick? Yeah and that was a rhetorical question.
Why am I getting so aggressive? Jesus Christ me calm down, there is no need to be sassy.
I like to think I am sassy but I’m just embarrassing.
Thank you so much for reading,