Life & Weekly Journal

All These Friends

I really don’t like myself. I really hate my physical appearance and  my personality  and the more I surround myself with other people, the worse I feel. I am not comforted by the presence of others and maybe it’s when I want to impress new people, that I become even more conscious of my  horrible-ness. My friendship group is suddenly expanding and it’s full of people I really really really like. It’s become a concoction of the new and the old, but neither seems familiar or comforting. I feel inadequate and as the group grows with louder and bolder voices  and I begin to hide myself away, as their social elegance digs deeper and deeper into my pit of low self esteem. And then suddenly I’ll burst out with some random crap, maybe just to bring attention to myself, but no one will care or they’ll wish I’d just shut up.

I was never bothered about people moving away from me before, but I guess I had different priorities then. I valued friendship, but I accepted change, because I wasn’t satisfied with my life anyway and I was hoping for something better. But I now feel that I’m losing the best thing I have ever had and as it all slips away, so does my childhood and I’m left in this whirlpool of exams and course work all alone. Even the new people seem to have a sense of nostaligia and maybe I’m just missing something I thought we could have had.

And sometimes I feel okay and this isn’t meant to be melodramtic, although it is the most sickly thing I have ever written. I know I’m a walking teenage cliche, but  I’m just expelling my thoughts and in your own mind, you can be as pathetic and emotional as you want. Although, the Interent is probably not the best place in the world to share these thoughts.

I’m a control freak and I can’t do anything about these people leaving and I can’t stop them from preferring other people. A few years ago I would have read this and laughed at how ridiculous it all was, but I know now that this group of friends is vital to my self confidence and I seek their validation. Humans are selfish and they want to feel special, but I can’t make people feel special or loved and I’m incredibly selfish myself. Some other people can and I guess that’s why they’re better.

I’m not an extrovert or an  introvert. When everything’s well and I’m the centre of attention I’m an extrovert and of course when no one likes me I’m an introvert. It’s selfish, but it’s natural and I can’t help it. Socialising right now seems to confirm my insecurites and drain all my energy.

These people are wonderful and they do not deserve my resentment. I admire them completely and I know they are not intentionally mean. I know that they are as selfish and as insecure as myself and as sickening as it is, I take comfort in that. I am certain that my probelms are tiny compared to theirs. I do not even know these people, only how they present themselves to me. Frienship is complicated and delicate, everyone is changing so quickly and everyone expects so many different things that human companionship was never going to work in the High School enviroment.

I don’t know how to finish this, because I’m just writing about a cycle that has no conclusion. Although, I have realized lately that I know my brain very well and how it works and for now I choose to believe that there is no real answer to this problem. These social catastrophes as I think of them now, are only tiny molecules that are slowly piecing together to create a hopefully wiser me in the future, athough even then, I’m convinced I will feel the same sense of chaos and I will never be truly mentally complete. These failings and inadequcies are part of growing up and I hope that one day this cycle will snap, although I’m not naive enough to think that there will not be another one to replace it.

Thank you so much for reading,

Alex

 

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62 thoughts on “All These Friends

  1. This happens a lot when you get really good friends. I compared myself to my friends a lot (still do) but you know what? They might be doing the same thing too because you’re amazing and you’ve got talents that they might not be good at. I can’t promise that this feeling will go away forever one day, but there will be more days where you love yourself 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can relate a lot to what you said about being neither an introvert or an extrovert. But I wonder, is it still selfish to be like that is everyone is? The need to be significant is common for all of us and in a way… we never really are. Okay, this comment is probably not even making you feel better, if not worse. Sorry. I just wanted to say that you’ve got a friend in me and I’m here whenever you need to talk or something. Because this will pass one day even though that seems impossible right now. Trust me when I say I’ve been there.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much Ruth and you are helping, just knowing someone understands makes me feel so much better. Because I know people do and I know everyone feels this way and maybe we’re all very selfish, but maybe in some ways that’s not a bad thing. I think I need to explore that idea further. Thank you for the support xx

      Liked by 2 people

  3. AGHH I feel the exact same! Feeling everywhere. The weirdest and most incomprehensibly self demotivating ones. You’re not alone, Alex. I hate myself too, and then I hate myself for sounding like a pathetic loser (even if it’s just in my head)
    Although, however insecure I am, I also have moments of sudden elation when I think that I’m the best. So, I’m either up in the sky or somewhere burying myself in a deep pit 😀 and, have no clue how to figure myself out.
    But take this from me, you seem purely awesome right here on your blog, so I couldn’t imagine what that would measure up to in real life haha 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I feel exactly the same, I’m really craving one of those days when I feel good about myself. Learning to love yourself is something that is really important but difficult to master, hopefully we can support each other in getting there xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Don’t hate yourself Alex you are lovely young girl with a secured bright future ahead. You are an exceptional talent and a kind hearted person and good friend. I feel lucky to be your friend and I am proud of how you follow your passion and challenge yourself. I hope the tide turns soon and you feel better but know you have me and I’ll always have time for day or night.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. i totally understand how you feel; i hate saying this because it sounds so patronising but especially during your teenage years feelings like this are so common. i think its all the pressure of social groups and its a time where the pressure to be perfect starts to kick in … trust me, absolutely everyone feels like this. i totally used to (and sometimes still do) but as you grow up you start to realise that all the things that make you feel inadequate really don’t matter and you start to appreciate the little things about yourself. even if you dont see it now, you’ll learn to love yourself for the things you dont really think about now. x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This was so comforting to read and I like to hope that things will get better, because they have already greatly improved. I’m glad you’re starting to like things within yourself, you deserve it x

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I’m here for you, Alex. We love you and your blog! You’re an amazing person on this blogging community and I’m not just saying it because of this post. Everyone needs a reminder once in a while and don’t worry, I get the introvert and extrovert thing 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much! I really appreciate these comments, but at the same time I don’t want to look like I was searching for compliments, I just needed to write down my feelings. Thank you for the support as always my dear, you’re lovely ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  7. It’s true that it’s a comfort to know that they probably feel exactly the same way you do…but it’s not sickening, it’s just NATURAL. I struggled with insecurity for a long time as well, but eventually realized that I have my own place in my large, close-knit group of friends that I had to discover. Besides the satisfying element of popularity, it’s almost like a fragment of finding your place in the world, and it can be really overwhelming. But guaranteed, you can do this. I’ve got such faith in ya 🙂 xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I can’t wait until I find my place. I thought I had, but with all these changes, I’m feeling lost again. Thank you so much for the support and comfort, it means so much that you took the time to help me and it really made me feel better x

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Alex, different people bring out different sides of you. I remember back on your older posts, you actually saying that you feel really comfortable about yourself and about being yourself. If that has changed since the people you hang out with changed, well maybe that’s the problem. You are amazing, never doubt that. But maybe the flamboyancy and extrovercy of others makes you question that, and that is not ok. Stick with the people who bring out the confidence in you. And please remember, you are full of qualities!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, I used to be very confident within myself, but my self esteem has been gradually falling throughout the year. Friends did give me confidence, but I can’t help thinking they’re simply bored of me. They don’t know that of course and they would never be intentionally mean, but I’ve noticed it

      Liked by 2 people

  9. Alex, I hope that soon you will be able to love yourself and be confident in who you are. You are intelligent and talented, and beautiful and interesting and wonderful. I hope you’ll be able to find friends to surround yourself with, who make you feel appreciated, supported and happy. ❤ *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

    1. *hugs back* those words mean so much and I wish I was even one of them, but maybe I just need to believe in myself. I know I just need to be more confident, but it’s not that easy. Comments like this help so much, honestly Luna thank you so much for taking your time to help me xx

      Liked by 2 people

      1. No problem Alex! You’re right, believing in yourself in the most important thing, and knowing that you can do it. And of course, lots of things are easier said than done. I know the struggle of building confidence, but good luck with it. x

        Liked by 2 people

  10. I don’t know what you look like. I do to know how you sound. I couldn’t say anything about the way you walk, or what that laugh that can only be described as yours sounds like. I do to know what it’s like to look down a hallway and know I see you coming and I don’t know what it’s like to have you next to me in class. I couldn’t comment on any of these things, but I will say this:
    I know the writer.
    I know the words that flow from you onto blog page after blog page.
    I know the fascinating things that I read and I know the insights I see beyond your years.
    I know the poems I read, the celebrations you’ve written about and I know the hard times you share.
    I know the vulnerability that you sink into your blog. I know the fear, sadness, frustration and elation that you’ve written about.
    I can’t comment on Alex the school kid extraordinare, but If school kid Alex is anything, ANYTHING like blogger Alex, then I think they would be an interesting person to meet.
    I think this whole existential thing is pretty common for teenagers. I went through it myself. I’m sorry you are having such a rough time.
    I just wanted you to know that I think the person that I read about and from is pretty neat, and you’re damn inquisitive and intelligent. Regardless of anything else you feel, know you’re a blogger worth reading and you’ve got really intriguing insights.
    Thank you for writing and thank you for sharing.
    I hope that you can feel more comfortable over time and become better able to stop comparing yourself so heavily to others.
    Try to take care love. You’re the only you this world has got, which sounds ridiculously cliche, but it’s true.
    Later sunshine

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I read this multiple times Ivy, because this is probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Thank you for being so honest and sincere, I needed the confidence and I needed the hope. Complimenting my writing means so much to me and sometimes I wish my friends could see writer me, rather than school kid me who always seems to say the wrong things. It’s like a barrier between who I want to be, the person who I try to present on this blog, and who I am really, who I’m struggling to like for all her hideous qualities, but words like this are really helping piece back together the confident girl I once was. I never thought I was a typical teenager, but I guess this is the part when I go through all the insecurities. Which is okay, because I’ll find myself one day, hopefully with the help of everyone on my blog x

      Liked by 2 people

      1. That socially awkward kid in school, the writer of beautiful, thought provoking words, and the person you don’t like being alone with are all the same. There’s no cohesiveness to be made.
        You’re socially awkward but can write like hell? That’s fine. It just means you’re better at certain forms of communication!
        I’m very socially awkward myself.
        The person you don’t like, I will tell you this from experience: a good portion of how you see yourself is bullshit. You emphasizes you’re weaknesses and minimize you’re strengths. You see you through horribly distorted lenses, and it’s very hard to change that. I am certain that there are things that you don’t like that are legitimately correct, just like the things you do like. I would be willing to bet though that there are plenty of thing you don’t like about yourself that are, rather than legitimate, such a well constructed fabrication that you can’t see that it’s fake. You get lost in an imagined image of self and you hate on that.
        See, awkward in person Alex is still Alex, and that’s frustrating. I truly understand.
        But have you read what writer Alex has to say? Holy shit sunshine!! I hope you never ever stop using your voice the best way you can. For you that happens to be writing. Be socially awkward! So what. You CAN communicate quite well, maybe just not vocally and/or off the cuff and that’s okay. Love, what you have to say is valid and important. The means by which you present your information is valid and important. If you feel like this hideous unimportant person, the only thing I can tell you is this:
        You have made a positive impact on my life. I’m some late 20s mom in the United States that would have never met you without your blog. You have given me things to think about. You have sparked blog ideas sunshine! You have positively impacted my life and this have changed it in some way, and so I’m telling you that you are important to me.
        You will never be able to know you’re true value to others Alex, I’m sorry, but that’s just how that one goes. The best you can do is take the compliments you receive as real, and incorporate those into your self speech. Use kind words, even if it feels funny. I tell myself out loud “good night love, sleep well” and “good morning sunshine, have a beautiful day” every morning. I feel funny doing it, but it helps counter the negative self talk nonetheless.
        You are a beautiful person to me, take and do with that as you will ^.^

        Liked by 2 people

      2. This comment made me become overwhelmed by your kindness and I don’t know how to tell you how grateful I am. Your words have honestly helped me and I think I’m going to continue to think about them for a long time. I want to tell your message to everyone and when someone is feeling bad about themselves I will say that ‘my friend Ivy told me that…’ because you just give such amazing advice. Thank you again for taking the time to help me. Don’t you think it’s amazing how you’re on the other side of the world, but we still have such a positively impactful conversation? I would just like to tell you that I value your friendship so much and you are honestly a blessing to not only blogging but the entire world, thank you xx

        Liked by 2 people

      3. You’re a kind soul and I’m happy and grateful that my words mean so much. If you can utilize them in such a way as to help others, please do, I’m very glad for that.
        It is amazing. The internet is awesome lol

        Liked by 2 people

  11. Alex, I know it isn’t easy to fit in especially when you feel inadequate. I understand. But there’s another thing I know for sure and that is you’re awesome. You may feel like you’re not good enough sometimes, but I want you to know you ARE. Never let anyone else make you feel any less. You DESERVE to feel confident and loved and let me tell you this: you are.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I know it’s really hard, but do try to be kinder to yourself! We’re all human and we are feel those human feelings, don’t pull yourself down. Your internet self is such a great and lovely person, even if this is only a portion of you, it is an amazing part and I’m 100% sure there is so much more great things that make you, you. I myself am in high school and stress and exams and all that stuff constantly have me anxious and awful. I know people are constantly telling you that it gets better after and it’s kind of hard to believe but do look on the brighter side! This isn’t forever and while you do have these friendships that you may not currently feel all great all the time in, I know they care about you and that you’re better than you think that you are. Thinking about all the great things you have wont always make you feel better, but in ‘real life’ as well as right here, you have heaps of people who find soemthing great and honestly worth caring in you. You feel bad on yourself because you feel you’re selfish and your thoughts are sometimes negative but know that there’s no one that is perfect and that these feelings occur because you’re human and not because you’re a bad person or because you are you. You’re a wonderfully talented and extraordinary person and really try to be a little kinder on yourself no matter how hard!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You’re welcome! Sometimes I beat myself down too, it always makes me feel better to know I have support. Remember that as well as everyone else, we are all here for you too! It’s okay ❤ You're wonderful and you deserve it!

        Liked by 2 people

  13. Hey Alex writing a new book and putting you in it to play one of my daughters and other daughter Wrestler Santana Garrett. I play a poor dishwasher who wants his daughters to marry for money so they never have to endure the poor life again. AnnMarie plays my wife and our marriage is always at risk with WWE’s Paige young woman lusting over me because everyone town doesn’t like her and I am only one nice to her. So it’s about the daughters future loves and whether or not he will keep his marriage or give into the young woman trying to break up his marriage. The book is written for you, AnnMarie, Santana and Paige you guys get to cherish I will never publish it just written specially for four special girls.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Don’t be so hard on yourself (quoting Jess Glynne without meaning to). Ur and your blog is amazing and people make you feel different things in different ways, but try not to let it get to you. x

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Hi,
    I know you’ve had a lot of comments and you deserve every single on of them, so I’ll try to keep this brief 😄
    I’ve had so many issues with my friends this year and I got left in the same situation that it seems that you are in. It’s not a fun place to be and it hurts you deep in your heart where you didn’t think it even was possible to hurt.
    My advice would be to invest in some friendships out of that group, don’t cut yourself off from the group but start putting more effort into other friendships too.
    That piece of help gave me something to hold onto in a time where I’d try to refuse to go to school because of all the issues and I’m now in a much better environment because of it
    Hope this helps and if you need any other advice plz feel free to ask
    GeorgieGrl
    Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a brilliant idea! I think it’s hard to do that at school because you’re surrounded by the same people everyday, but I have you guys on WordPress and you help me all the time and I want to make more friends that I can see in real life outside my group. That’s such amazing and unique advice Georgie, thank you so much, I’m going to take it on board. I’m glad you’re happy now, you deserve lovely friendships xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I am sorry to hear about the social stress, Alex. I hope you are able to treat yourself with self-compassion amidst all of this and to only settle for people who interact with you in compassionate, affirming ways. Perhaps clarifying your own values and what you expect from a healthful relationship/friendship may help? From what I see here so many people appreciate your voice and intelligence. I’m rooting for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a fantastic idea. I often to try to think about my own personal ethos, but I think I’m still working on it. Maybe I’ll do a post about it some day. Thank you so much for your kind words Thomas

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