All These Friends

I really don’t like myself. I really hate my physical appearance and  my personality  and the more I surround myself with other people, the worse I feel. I am not comforted by the presence of others and maybe it’s when I want to impress new people, that I become even more conscious of my  horrible-ness. My friendship group is suddenly expanding and it’s full of people I really really really like. It’s become a concoction of the new and the old, but neither seems familiar or comforting. I feel inadequate and as the group grows with louder and bolder voices  and I begin to hide myself away, as their social elegance digs deeper and deeper into my pit of low self esteem. And then suddenly I’ll burst out with some random crap, maybe just to bring attention to myself, but no one will care or they’ll wish I’d just shut up.

I was never bothered about people moving away from me before, but I guess I had different priorities then. I valued friendship, but I accepted change, because I wasn’t satisfied with my life anyway and I was hoping for something better. But I now feel that I’m losing the best thing I have ever had and as it all slips away, so does my childhood and I’m left in this whirlpool of exams and course work all alone. Even the new people seem to have a sense of nostaligia and maybe I’m just missing something I thought we could have had.

And sometimes I feel okay and this isn’t meant to be melodramtic, although it is the most sickly thing I have ever written. I know I’m a walking teenage cliche, but  I’m just expelling my thoughts and in your own mind, you can be as pathetic and emotional as you want. Although, the Interent is probably not the best place in the world to share these thoughts.

I’m a control freak and I can’t do anything about these people leaving and I can’t stop them from preferring other people. A few years ago I would have read this and laughed at how ridiculous it all was, but I know now that this group of friends is vital to my self confidence and I seek their validation. Humans are selfish and they want to feel special, but I can’t make people feel special or loved and I’m incredibly selfish myself. Some other people can and I guess that’s why they’re better.

I’m not an extrovert or an  introvert. When everything’s well and I’m the centre of attention I’m an extrovert and of course when no one likes me I’m an introvert. It’s selfish, but it’s natural and I can’t help it. Socialising right now seems to confirm my insecurites and drain all my energy.

These people are wonderful and they do not deserve my resentment. I admire them completely and I know they are not intentionally mean. I know that they are as selfish and as insecure as myself and as sickening as it is, I take comfort in that. I am certain that my probelms are tiny compared to theirs. I do not even know these people, only how they present themselves to me. Frienship is complicated and delicate, everyone is changing so quickly and everyone expects so many different things that human companionship was never going to work in the High School enviroment.

I don’t know how to finish this, because I’m just writing about a cycle that has no conclusion. Although, I have realized lately that I know my brain very well and how it works and for now I choose to believe that there is no real answer to this problem. These social catastrophes as I think of them now, are only tiny molecules that are slowly piecing together to create a hopefully wiser me in the future, athough even then, I’m convinced I will feel the same sense of chaos and I will never be truly mentally complete. These failings and inadequcies are part of growing up and I hope that one day this cycle will snap, although I’m not naive enough to think that there will not be another one to replace it.

Thank you so much for reading,

Alex